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1/52-Enough
I am enough. It is enough. Enough is enough.

The end of 2017 left me in a spiral of postpartum depression; frozen with anxiety, self doubt, and unable to cope. Feeling like I was never doing enough, or giving enough, or being enough for my family. I watched as many of my business ideas began unfolding in someone else’s hands because I didn’t have enough time to give with a newborn, 1 year old and 5 year old at home with me too. I struggled to get out and do things with people though I knew I should, because in short, I didn’t feel enough. I watched as our society took steps backward; and cowards fell in the shadows of abuse and chauvinism and woke up each day saying “ENOUGH ALREADY!”

I struggled to come up with my word for this week, this year. I had a few–and it didn’t settle on me until just hours ago. I was getting the last few things moved out of my studio in preparation for construction to begin to expand it and I realized I felt nerves. I suddenly felt pressure, and started thinking of ways to ensure this space would be a good investment for my business and family. Then doubt. Am I enough? I don’t compare.

But you never know unless you try. And in the end, that is always enough.

 

 

2/52-Unseen {something you don’t usually see}

Passing of time. Time lost. Running out of time. The elastic intangible. We all have it. We all loose it. We all need more.

 

 

3/52-Muse

I wasn’t sure how to capture this week.. the truth is there is so much that inspires me, and drives me. I started my journey into photography as an escape from responsibility, and the monotony of my day to day life, and it grew into so much more. I photographed my oldest daughter this week, because ultimately, she has been my most powerful muse. Inspiration to take the scary steps off the planned path ahead. When I gave her life, she in return gave it back to me. I found myself, truly, for the first time. She showed me the world through a different lens. She inspires my spirit, she is my ultimate muse.

 

52/4-Still I rise

{so shall she}

I came across Maya Angelou’s poem used as this week’s theme inspiration my second week hospitalized for suicidal ideations, depression, anxiety, ocd and severe bulimia. Never had I felt so alone as I did those first days in my room, stripped of all shoe laces, mirrors, glass, and anything that reminded me of home. I spent two months there; learning to love myself, remembering and making amends with what got me there in the first place. I’ll never forget the feeling of having that fire reignited within me as I read Maya’s words.

Now a mom of three beautiful little girls it is my job, my promise, to teach them to overcome. They will not be silenced, they will be heard. They will not be weak, they will be strong. They will not hate, they will love and show love always. Still I rise, and so shall she.

When you sit back and think about how much life can change in just a simple year, its overwhelming.  I mean really think about it.  How many decisions we make each day that effect where we are in the next moment, week, or year.  How much energy we put into the things we love and how much luck stands with or against us. Five years ago today, I was sitting in NICU room 4 watching my 2 lb baby rest…just days prior we had given her her first real bath, where I held her entire body in one hand and her dad started teaching her his way of life by putting a small styrofoam cup on her head which actually was a bit too big.  It was SUCH a huge step forward for us, this bath.  A sign that she really was ours to love and care for, and that while she be but little she was FIERCE.  Our then two week old baby had changed our world in ways beyond our dreams in a short period of just days.

What seemed like a deep long hard part in life at the time, turned out to be one of life’s greatest blessings.  Her arrival restructured my brain for the better and reworked our live’s paths for simply the best.  It is because of her, I let go of something I thought I wanted and leaned into what I truly needed at the time.  Without her,  I can’t be sure I’d have pursued this photo thing so intently and deeply and passionately.  She has, hands down, been one of life’s greatest gifts to me.

This cheetah loving, fashion inspiring, princess dreaming, purse toting, energetic, enthusiastic, tiny girl with such a BIG personality turned five two weeks ago.  A whole hand.  Half a decade.  Old enough to start a phase in life, Kindergarten.   And boy was she ready.  It has been nothing short of emotional for her mom and dad, seeing her so excited to go and learn and be social and do all the things that she loves to do and has watched her friends do for a couple years now.  But it is indeed time.  And there is no greater joy in life than watching your child smile, knock down barriers, and grow into the beautiful independent happy people you want them to be.

Everything about this session had me going home thinking, “man that was meant to be!”  This beautiful mama was only weeks from her due date when we had initially planned our session together,  and then there was rain.  It seemed like we got two weeks solid of rain here which had me rescheduling basically all of my sessions.  And as luck would have it, I had to leave the area for a week for a family emergency leaving us just days before baby was due!

As luck would have it, mama and baby held on if albeit barely and we met at Pope Farm Conservancy  in Madison Wisconsin for what ended up being some of the most perfect light I have ever shot in, perfect temperature, perfect location with flowers blooming everywhere and really just the most perfect couple behind my lens.

I love talking to my clients about adding another little one to the family.  “Are you ready?” “Excited?”  The response is always mixed.  Truth is, it doesn’t matter if you have one kid or ten, life with kids is hard.

I think these two will be just fine.  Their love for their kiddo and the little girlie growing in mama’s belly is palpable.  What is it they say?  Your children won’t remember if your house was clean or if dinner was good; what they will remember is the way it felt when you hugged them, the way dad’s beard tickled them with a kiss,  and the smell of their moms hair when she tucks them into bed at night.

Can’t wait to meet your baby girl in the studio Krystle and Jeff!