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Comparison and Desire

We’ve all had those days, the kind where you don’t want to get out of bed, and really don’t need to.  But you do, and then everything from that point on seems to be meaningless, painful, or it plain old goes wrong.

I feel like it’s one of those days.  The only thing that makes me feel better about my day is pretending I’m inside my own little snow-globe with no need to escape, lighting all the candles I  have set out, and sipping my hot cup of tea.   I have plenty to do, my wedding-planning to-do list is growing and the longer I’m off of work the more ideas I come up with.  But it’s sooo hard to get going!

I’ve been on leave from my regular job for just about two months. While I’m working I envy people who get these days to themselves.  And yet, I find myself needing to have that routine in my life.  I need a reason to get up and going, and I have these great ideas to keep me busy and help my business but I know how unrealistic they are to obtain and sustain because alas I will be returning to my big-girl job in February.

And so, you see, while I am so grateful I have a fulfilling reliable employment to return to after my whole foot debacle, I dread dread dread the return and look forward to it all in the same breath.

And today, I’m down in the dumps.  I’ve had a few days like this on my leave.  Being the person I am, I think about why I feel this way, and what I can do to quickly escape it.  I’m realizing part of it is that I do what I tell so many people that ask not to do.  I compare myself.

Part of my daily routine is to get on the web, and read the latest updates on many of my favorite blogs, submit my favorite themed photo to some of my favorite Flickr groups, and compare my work to the others posted.  GASP!

I find myself longing for the opportunities these people have to capture such amazing moments and get sad when I don’t get featured, or even a simple comment of hope!

What am I trying to do here? Am I going down the right path? What if I fail? Will I ever be as good as I want to be? Am I any good?  What makes her photo better than my photo?  Where do these people find the time?  Am I too open? Am I missing something?

And then I catch myself, and have to close my browser and realize that when I compare, I loose my own artistic eye and my own identity and my own brand.  I don’t want to be what everyone else is, I want to be myself.  And so far, I’ve done that.  And by my measurments have been successful.  So, when I find myself comparing, and wondering, I’m reminded that I still care and have the drive and desire to be better.  And that’s good right?  I don’t compare to relate, and copy, I compare to drive myself to try new things and do better.  I can’t get sucked into the doubt and insecurity.  I’m confident in my skills and I’m confident they’ll continue to grow.

So I challenge you.  Next time you compare yourself, or something you’re passionate about to someone else’s something or other…step back and appreciate yourself.  Appreciate the moment, because it means you care.  Take that moment to push yourself to do something you wouldn’t normally do, something new, something different, and use that desire to be a better person.

Happy Monday All…

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