Looking forward

New year resolutions don’t work for me. I resign to making changes on a fairly constant basis, because as I know I’ve spoken of before I am a firm believer in making your life what you want. There’s always the road-block you can’t change, or in some cases it may outweigh the benefits of changing it, but in the end, we are in charge of our own beginning, middle, and end. So with resolve to make a single change because a new day with a new year attached is upon us? Trust me, I relish in the idea of a fresh start and for all sakes CARPE DIEM, but why might we limit ourselves to a single fresh start? Yet here I am, in reminiscence of the year past looking forward to the year to come. A day late, thousands of dollars short.

2011 in a nutshell

Highest of Highs:

I got my brother back: After hating him for years, worrying about him for years, and loving him forever he has finally returned to my life, and my family. Him, his mind, his wellbeing, his presence. All together, in one piece. Something I’ve hoped for for years…years.

 

My wedding day/wedding weekend: Having every person that matters most to me in the world in a single room. Being present in the moment, and doing it with the man I love, because of the man I love. Learning to let go of people who had a hold on my heart, using space I could fulfill otherwise, and learning who my true friends/family/confidants are. Making s’mores in my driveway with some of my favorite people. Being able to tell the people I love most, just how much it’s true. Walking down the isle with my father, and listening to my brother read our vows. Knowing that those memories will be forever with me, just the way it happened, and that can never be changed. The feeling of content-ness that overcame me prior to walking down the isle, and when I fell asleep that night. Feeling as complete as I did on that day.

 

 

Extended Family time:My mom and sister (and dad for a little while) stayed with us for almost a complete month, and it was heaven. It doesn’t matter how old you get–you always need/want your mom, and it sucks when they aren’t around when you really want them. However, I appreciate her more now than I ever did, and probably more than I ever would have if thousands of miles didn’t separate us.

 

 

Seeing the Grand Canyon: WAS AMAZING. If it’s not on your bucket list, it should be. ‘Nough said.

 

I was going to list several more but as I started writing they didn’t really compare…

Realizations:

Patience is my virtue, unless: I have no patience for people in my life that HAVE to be there, and I don’t CHOOSE for them to be there. I turn into something I don’t like, and I need to work on that–I am not good at pretending to like people that I HAVE to like, even though if I had the choice I’d not cross paths with them. Mainly, selfish, self-absorbed, spoiled, immature “grown-ups”. I’m more of a speak my mind, be blunt, call people out type of personality with most people and situations–so when I can’t do that, I have learned that the internalized feelings that grow are very over powering–and I need to find a way to work that out because I may be stuck with at least one of these people in my life…

Social Stigma’s suck: I knew this–but I’ve REALIZED it a lot lately. I have learned that people that put/use labels and titles on things/people/themselves (usually with a sense of entitlement or betterment) probably either have a low self esteem or had a poor value system instilled in them. I resolved a while ago to TRY to stop asking people “what they do” or “if they are in school” or talking about categories society has deemed important and acceptable. I don’t want to talk to people about things about myself or themselves that could “lead the reactions of other people to spoil ones normal/actual identity.” When someone asks us “what do you do?” Why don’t we respond in personal terms?

“Why hello, I’m a wife, a nurturer, a creative thinker, and creator.”

In the end, those are the the things that really define me.

I long for change: I’m still trying to figure out why this is, perhaps because I’ve never been given the opportunity to stay in one place to long, or to just settle into a common routine; but I desire change, frequently. Whether it’s rearranging my furniture or cabinets, purging to goodwill, or cutting my hair in a different way, when a a routine starts to hit I get freaking antsy! Moving on, moving up. I want to start trying to just appreciate a routine and cherish sameness.

…I want to slow down: I think this sort of goes hand-in-hand with my need for change. I’ve always been a busy body. On to the next thing, moving on, moving up. If I don’t have some big project taking my time away or I’m not doing something exciting I look for something else to occupy my time. With the real possibility of having little ones running around here in the next year or two I have quickly started to make a mental list of things to do before they appear–like, {enjoy my free time. Sit in silence. Read more. Do the projects around the house I’ve had on my list. Take more pleasure walks. Take pictures for myself. Create some form of art. Blog for fun.} …and so, I need to make the changes necessary to do these things. One of those changes will be taking place right here on my blog, and with my photog business. I haven’t decided 100% what the changes will be–but likely I will be cutting back–A LOT–unless I’ve already committed to you in 2012, I probably won’t be booking anymore photo-sessions. (more to come later) Bottom line–I don’t want to work so much–I want time for me–and I have finally learned that that is A-OKAY. (WIN!)

<3

 

2011 will be hard to beat–I lived the dream in many many ways and I have been so lucky in life to be given everything that I have. My family and friends are the best there are, and I wouldn’t have had such an unforgettable year without them.

It’s easy to lose sight of what is important, what matters, and what you love–and I’m not sure I ever really knew what it was I truly wanted in life. But rolling into 2012 I feel more complete and understand myself better than I ever have, and to me that is so exciting. I’m going to do great things in life, they may not be what society deems ah-maze-ing, but all that really matters is that my soul wins…so far, I’m winning.

(Christmas Night Sky in WindLake Wisconsin.)