When I’d tell people my goal was to start to photograph births this year, they usually respond with, “what! why?” or “who would want pictures of THAT?”
I, of course, can’t think of a better reaction than “why WOULDN’T you?!” One of life’s single most miraculous and life changing events–not to mention most beautiful and emotional–and how many of you have seen pictures of your mother’s labor of love to bring you into the world?
What a gift to give to your children. . . a memory of the power and sheer determination of their mother in labor. Seeing their mother completely vulnerable yet as the warrior all mothers come to be. To hand down the documentation of the connection, joy, and overwhelming love that overcomes each soul present the moment the baby gargles for it’s first breath. To forever be able to remember what your 6lb 10oz miracle looked like. Because in the blink of an eye, you’ll be documenting their first soccer game, graduation, and the moment dad hands her hand over to her forever love.
Because THESE are the moments you’ll want to hold on to forever.
I will be forever grateful to Mel, Jason and family for inviting me into their lives for these intimate and completely awesome moments. They welcomed their third daughter Maggie into the world at 10:26am on February 10th. Mel is one of the co-founders of Fellow Flowers (an awesome women’s running movement/company) and after I met her the first time at the Fellow Flowers Declare it Day (just days before Maggie’s birth) I was so inspired by her. Her spirit is contagious and attitude is one that needs to be heard. So, I had a feeling that the birth of her daughter would be nothing short of awesome. It was. She was. Everyone was. Mel handled everything with calm, grace, patience, and gratitude. I was blown away by how easy she made it look, and when I saw daddy fall in love with his little Maggie a piece of me was forever left in that room with them.
As I pulled away from the hospital that afternoon, I chuckled to myself as I thought about how every laboring mother should have every color flower (from Fellow Flowers). Every mother earns those colors through the passing laboring moments. It’s a mixture of it all: being authentic, a dreamer, contentment, ROCK STAR moments, feeling worthy, making no excuses, unbridled strength, courage, gratitude and hope, and of course being forever united. I so wish I had all the flowers with me for you that day Mel…
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What an amazing experience.
I’m not going to lie; I was completely dreading this ‘job’. I had been following Fellow Flowers for a couple years, I knew what they were about, and at one point was really excited about being a part of the community. Last year, my goal was to run. To motivate myself I signed up for my first ever race: Crazy Legs. I’m so proud of myself for meeting that goal and Fellow Flowers was a group I would check out on Facebook every now and then when I was unmotivated. However, I totally injured my knee during that run and because of it, have completely fallen out of running again. And of course I feel like a failure in doing so. So as I begrudgedly packed my car up for Declare it Day, I gave myself a little pep talk that went something like this:
“Be grateful for the opportunity. Be confident. Be strong. Be brave. You’re going to kick ass, you’re awesome. Maybe the positive atmosphere will be good for you and pull you out of your funk. This is so you, Kaitlin, enjoy it. You’ve got this.”
Let me tell you how serendipitous this evening became. This particular day, I was in a funk. I was feeling bad for myself, I was sore, and I was grumpy. For many reasons, but keeping this related to business–I had just paid some of my taxes and was feeling like this little ‘thing’ that I do was all for nothing. Within 10 minutes of arriving to The Brink Lounge, where the event was being held, Mel (co-owner of Fellow Flowers) walked in. Nine months pregnant, but radiant as ever.
I had been taking some detail shots for a little bit–soaking up the atmosphere, and it was already impossible to be grumpy anymore. But after talking to Mel for a quick minute I knew without a doubt my angels had put me there for a reason.
To understand further, let me quick fill you in on the Fellow Flowers mission: “We are a women’s running movement that honors, shares and celebrates the reasons behind why women run…because we believe that every woman has a story and every woman runs with a purpose.” The event that I would be capturing is called Declare it Day, “a national movement encouraging and inspiring women to put words and dreams into action and declare a goal they are committed to working toward and achieving.”
So, this big event was all about goal setting. Stomping your doubts, declaring your goals, and breaking down any barriers in reaching it. (I felt like this night was made for ME.) Do you ever feel like your on the truman show? Like, you’ve been placed somewhere that your mind created and you were just being observed and controlled by some external director? Within a half an hour of arriving, I was TOTALLY looking for video cameras, or Ashton Kutcher to come out and Punk me. That’s just how totally right the evening felt to me.
This year, I only made one business goal. To shoot a birth. Within 10 minutes of meeting Mel in person, and joking about her being at this event on the day of her baby’s due date we had tentatively made plans for me to shoot her baby’s birth! WHAT!? I had just ‘declared’ my goal a few weeks ago on my blog, and within a month I could be fulfilling that. I couldn’t believe it.
The entire evening was awesome. There were a couple of inspiring speakers; one shared her story of triumph in-spite of horrible circumstance and heartbreak–another her story of constant optimism and staying happy, (her book can be bought here). Fellow Flowers also invited Her Madison half marathon whose charity partner is Girls on the Run this year. I loved hearing all of these awesome ladies speak and share their encouragement for women, and spread the word about their organizations!
So often we look to the bigger inspirations in the world: Maya Angelou, Dalai Lama, religious figures, the unknown, etc. But my goodness, just look around you! There are SO many amazing and inspirational people within our own little circles. Leading, inspiring, encouraging, and catching us when we fall. If you look, you can find them.
And if you let yourself, you just might bloom.
OK, I’m ready. Ready to take on the new year; it took a few weeks for me to get on-board, but here I am. Ready for new inspiration, ready to make and remake connections, ready to fail and get back up, and above all ready to succeed. To be happy, to be more, to be me. I’m ready now, 2015. You’ve knocked me down a few times already but I’m ready to move on, thankyouverymuch.
2014 was awesome. I met so many amazing people, tried so many new things, and really grew in my craft and my spirit. I jumped on-board some amazing charity organizations and have been utterly fulfilled in both giving back and photographing so many of your beautiful moments. Thank you all so much for trusting me, confiding in me, and growing with me. I value my relationship with all of you!
Things have been relatively quiet around here the past couple months. Not what I had planned–I have SO many wonderful sessions to blog, and share, and so many ideas to get growing; but sometimes life has other plans.
I thought about ignoring my awkward social pause in life and keeping my private life private, but I’ve been pretty forthcoming with most of my life, and while I just want to really turn to the corner and keep it all inside I realized that there was no reason to be ashamed, and really, this is how I heal:
Sessions kept me busy until the beginning of December! Usually my season dies down come November but not this year! And that was awesome!! However, early November, I found out I was pregnant! Amongst getting my work done, and getting things turned around in time for the holidays, the little person inside me was sucking the life out of me! I was very sick, and very tired–way worse than the first time around. But I figured it’d pass and I’d catch up with things after the holiday..my priority has always been my family, and so taking care of this new little addition became #1.
After a whirlwind good/bad holiday season, we came home from our travels on Sunday January 4th (my birthday!! WOOT WOOT) and things seemed a little off for me. I called my doctor on Monday and they advised me to come in. My husband and I clutched hands as we got a second ultrasound–hoping that the harder we might squeeze, the more positive the results. But after a few minutes of silence our fears were realized. There was no more heartbeat, and our little person would grow no more.
I didn’t know how much I loved and how much I had already planned for the child I was growing until I laid through the deafening silence while the tech frantically searched for that little glimmering heart.
The next thing I remember I was on my knees in the bathroom, completely numb with sadness, and with what-could’ve-beens. I didn’t care how normal the nurse thought this may be for women, it didn’t feel normal to me at all. We had just told our entire family, we had just discussed plans for the months ahead, we had promised our daughter a baby brother or sister (try explaining this to a two-year-old!). And now, nothing. They tell you it’s nothing you did, but that seems impossible. There was just simply nothing normal about laying on an operating table, unaware, while the baby you’ve loved impossibly and so quickly gets removed and is truly no more.
As people begin to hear, slowly they confide their own stories of loss and love. And so yes, it does seem more ‘normal’. But it’s a little unnerving how ‘quiet’ people keep it. . . the shame and fault women feel. I realize much of it is social stigma, I now know an even bigger part is grief and the grieving process. My own perception has changed drastically. Until you live a few days feeling as pregnant as ever with the baby you’ve loved endlessly since day 1 knowing it’s not growing or living, you can’t imagine the loss. I never expected to feel so impossibly lost if this ever happened to me.
After the surgery, as we pulled out of the parking lot, my heart began to ache and suddenly I felt something I was all too familiar with. It hit me quick and hard. Suddenly I felt like the broken self I was two years ago when as we drove away from the hospital without my first born. Two times now, I’ve gone into that hospital pregnant, and two times I left without my baby. (read more about tessa’s birth story here)
I’m typically a silent sufferer. I mend and heal alone, I want to be alone, I don’t want to talk. But in this instance, it was hard to do that. All the people closest to us knew. And as others inquired, I made myself promise not to keep this a secret. Because, why? Women should know they aren’t alone. That no one can understand what they felt or feel when they go through an early loss the way others that have gone through it can. If you were one of the few wonderful people in our lives that reached out and showed us love, thank you. It really meant more than I would have ever expected.
I still get sad and unreasonable at times. And I’m sure I will always revisit that feeling when I think of it, or comb over this chapter in my life; but it’s just another step in my journey to grow from and learn from and I’ll be grateful for that and try to use it in a way that it will make a difference in another persons life.
And so, I’m back. Finally coming up for air. While I’m miserably disappointed that I cancelled all my late spring/early summer weddings and will miss capturing those awesome moments terribly this year, I know it was the best decision for my clients at the time. Meanwhile, I am moving on, and moving forward and an willing to book any 2015 weddings that may come my way…and of course portraits!! On my wish list for this year is to capture a live birth! So if you know anyone who would like to have their birth experienced captured for free or extremely discounted, send them my way! Also, I’d love to do a project for Fotolanthropy. If you know anyone who has a truly inspiring story to tell, please let me know!
Welcome to my new website and blog space! I am so excited and proud to share it with the world…I’ve been working on final details today, and really reminiscing about the road getting to this point. A point of happiness, success, and so much love to share with the world. As with everyone, my life’s journey hasn’t been all roses and ice cream but the last four years have been an avenue of positive growth, and establishment and I can say today, I am so happy. I am happy to know you, and if I don’t know you, I’m happy your here.
I recently came across something I wrote almost exactly four years ago to the day. I always love reflecting on my growth, and I think it’s so important. I thought it’d be fun to share it with you:
“It always takes some emotional event for me to get to the point of writing things down. It’s funny how once my own resources are exhausted, and I feel as if I am going to boil over my one constant go-to is words. It’s just ironic to me that in the face of not being able to expel feelings, and thoughts, by talking or doing, I tend to write. Every now and then I look back on my writings though, and I am brought right back to where I was the instant I wrote them. It’s a funny thing.
We all have had those times where mortality seems inevitable but so distant it’s incomprehensible. I think we’ve all looked in the mirror at ourselves from time to time and thought, “wow, this is me.” I’d even gamble to say that most of us have looked in the mirror at least once and said…”wow, this is me?” We have this one life, this one time on earth as who we are, and what is it that we do with that time? At what point do we all get to a point where we look in the mirror and say…”yes. This is me, and I love it!”
In the end, we have very little control over our mortality. We may try to make good decisions, and use our best judgment but in the end, if a person decides to run a red light long after it turns and hit you while you’re riding a bike, by god, that is what it is going to do. And the only real decision that we can make in life, which will have a direct effect on the quality of our life, is the decision to be happy (or not). And who doesn’t want to be happy.
For a while in life, I considered myself unlucky; unlucky in love, unlucky in health, unlucky in wealth, and unlucky in circumstance. I’d always been told, “your angels are watching out for you.” But whenever I really went for something, and really thought I wanted something I felt like they’d fall through. I was flat out unlucky.
It’s funny how things work. I realize now, all along, my “angels” have been on my shoulder. They never let me loose sight of what was important, but they always let me figure it out some way. In the end, decisions about our lives have to come from our-selves. And we have to be satisfied with those decisions to be satisfied in life. But circumstance will never waiver.
For all these years, I have waded through a fog of beliefs powered by money and prestige. These things I knew: I can do whatever I want if I tell myself I’m going to do it; my family is always behind me; I love art, photography, crafting, talking to people, and caring for people; I want to be a mom; I want to be a good wife; I want to have healthy relationships with my family and friends.
I drew this picture when I was 6. It’s really quite brilliant. It’s a self-portrait of me dawning a white cap with a cross, a white pantsuit, and a stethoscope with a little white bag in my hand. It says “When I grow up I want to be a nurse because my aunts and uncles say that I would be a good nurse. My aunt Evelyn is a nurse and I will like it. I like helping people. I think I’ll do a good job.” Which seems like one of life’s jokes to me now. Very funny irony, you win again!
It is so easy for us to hold onto things that we know, when we don’t want to hold onto ourselves. The irony in life will catch up to us when we do this. Where does power and prestige come from? How is wealth accrued?
We listen to the wisdom of those we respect. But if we use that wisdom without our own perception we cannot become the wiser. In the marathon for monetary and societal respect, it is easy to loose sight of the pedestal that already supports us.
I know now, that luck may not be the foundation of life’s circumstance, but instead it may be reason. Because life is funny like that. I know now that I am not only lucky, but I’m wise, and healthy, and rich. Doesn’t this become the equation for happiness?
I know now, I mean really know it now. Not just like, know that this is what people say so it must be true sort of thing. But really know, because it’s a part of me type of thing. That wealth is not something that comes with money and fame. It comes with love, and truth, and happiness. It comes from being surrounded by people who want you to be happy, and help you succeed in whatever way you want to succeed. Wealth comes from doing what makes you look in the mirror and say “yes! This is me and I love it!” And what is more prestigious than being the wealthiest person in the world?”
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